


it's not your body that i love, but it's the shell you're inside of

by punktaekai (Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson)



Series: TenTaem [1]
Category: NCT (Band), SHINee, SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Army, Blow Jobs, Caring Lee Taemin, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten has Trust Issues, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten has an Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Face Slapping, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Military, Moving In Together, Moving Out, Purging, Rare Pairings, Recovery, Relapsing, Slow Burn, Supportive Lee Taemin, Supportive SHINee, Trust, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:34:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26438770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson/pseuds/punktaekai
Summary: It’s Taemin who’s the first to notice Ten, through all the walls he’s built up. It’s Taemin who finally sees the fractures amidst Ten’s guarded skin. It’s Taemin who’s the first to truly know Ten.
Relationships: Lee Taemin & Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Lee Taemin/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Series: TenTaem [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115486
Comments: 26
Kudos: 277





	it's not your body that i love, but it's the shell you're inside of

**Author's Note:**

> If i have forgotten a tag _please_ let me know i'll add it asap
> 
> this was the result of a all night long breakdown bc i relapsed into my own ed haha cathartic !
> 
> god bless my two betas who went on a 6 hour writing binge w me on this and helped keep me sane and got me out my rut

When Taemin loses the coin toss to Jongin and has to give up the large room to dorm with someone else. He gladly chooses Ten but he notices the panic in Ten’s eyes. He doesn’t show it at all as the cameras film, his body still relaxed and laughing with the rest of them. He doesn’t know what to make of it, isn’t sure if he should swap with someone else but when they’re unpacking their suitcases, Ten seems relaxed again with no panic in his stance or eyes. Taemin brushes it off, convincing himself he must have imagined it.

They go about their solo activities that evening, Ten curls up on his bed, doodling on his iPad, sucking on the straw for his iced latte. Taemin notices it; it’s hard not to notice it was Ten’s eighteenth that day. He shrugs a little and turns back to his phone, texting his hyungs in Korea and pouting at the phone. They’d not spoken all day and when they finally speak again, they’re going on and on about the military. It’s starting to bug him and he rolls over. His eyes focus on Ten as he draws, watching the gentle furrow of his brow as he concentrates, the way his lip is caught ever so slightly between his teeth. The only time he drops his lip is to take another slurp of his coffee. 

He’s about to get up and ask Ten what he’s drawing, curious about his dongsaeng, when a loud rumbling fills the room. Ten tenses ever so slightly and Taemin raises an eyebrow. He wasn’t going to say anything until he saw Ten’s eyes flicker ever so quickly to him before they focused back on his iPad and Taemin sat up. “Still hungry after dinner? The time zones messed me up too.. Wanna go raid the fridge and probably annoy Jongin and Baekhyun who snuck out there for some time alone?”

Ten’s curt  _ no _ is almost jarring and Taemin tilts his head. He’s probably an idiot for asking that, of course Ten wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of his hyungs this early on in the SuperM project. Maybe he can convince Ten into some chaotic hijinks later on in the debut. “Want me to bring you something back?”

“Just a soda or something would be great.”

Taemin nods and heads out the room. He pauses outside the kitchen and peers round to, sure enough, find Baekhyun and Jongin lip locked against the fridge. Taemin grins and takes a deep breath before he barrels round the corner, shrieking  _ fire fire _ . 

Baekhyun and Jongin leap apart like they were burned before Jongin scowls at Taemin. Taemin grins, waggling his fingers. “I need to get into that fridge, thanks boys.”

They move across to the island in the middle of the kitchen, and Taemin yanks the door open, peering inside. He hums as he picks out a few sandwiches, and a leftover plate of that mac n cheese Americans are so fond of. He makes sure he doesn’t forget a Dr. Pepper for Ten and slams the door shut. “Thanks guys, but Jongin if you’re not going to use that bedroom, I will actually kick you out and make you sleep next to the pool and reclaim it.”

When he gets back to the room, he finds Ten curled up, watching something on his laptop. Taemin makes sure to only disturb him enough to show him the can as he places it on the nightstand and heads to his bed. In the corner of his eye, before he falls asleep, he notices that Ten never touches the can.

* * *

In the morning, Taemin finds himself awoken by the sound of a door slamming. He jerks awake, wondering if there is indeed a fire in his sleep-addled brain to find Ten staring at him, alarmed. He must have let the door slam when he was coming out the bathroom. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Taemin waves his hand and collapses back to his pillow. Ten doesn’t move to wake him up, so he must have more time before his alarm. Vaguely, he rolls over, blinking a little. His eyes weren’t playing tricks on him, Ten is much skinnier than his clothes give him credit for. He shrugs and rolls back over, doing his best to give Ten as much privacy as he can in the enclosed space. It doesn’t bother him; he’s been that skinny before, pushing hard for debut and the following repackage. Most idols look like that or something like that, it’s part of their job. He lays there until Ten’s hand drops onto his hip, shaking him. 

“We have to be in for breakfast in like, seven minutes.”

Taemin jerks upright, falling out the bed as he rushes to the bathroom, brain on autopilot. He somehow manages to get showered, dressed and out the room in about four minutes and stumbles to the breakfast table. Someone shoves a coffee in his face and he gladly takes it, his brain slowly turning on and functioning. He gladly takes a bowl of cereal from someone, Jongin, he thinks, and starts chewing on it. He should be listening to his manager, but he’s distracted by the sight of Ten standing at a counter, gently pouring the milk from his bowl into a plant pot seemingly thinking no one is looking. He raises an eyebrow but gets distracted by the manager clapping his hands and calling for them all to head to the car for the first day of promotions.

* * *

They’re all worried when Ten collapses during dance practice, but it’s Taemin who gets to him first, stopping him from standing up too quickly. He helps Ten to stand and slowly leads him to the back of the room, helping him sit down. He fetches Ten a snack bar and a bottle of water. He doesn’t miss how Ten wrinkles his nose at the bar but opens it, taking a few small bites. The rest of the group have gone back to practice; collapsing as an idol happens here and there, its worrying, but Ten is showing no signs of passing out. 

This close, Taemin can see how he’s so out of breath, panting as discreetly as he can, his skin a sickly pale as he leans his head against the mirrors. He notices how Ten only eats about half the bar before he pushes himself back up, drinking the water bottle quickly before he jumps back into the practice.

Taemin can’t bring himself to re-join the practice. He waves his hand mumbling something about his back, but can’t take his eyes off Ten. Something’s wrong. What, he doesn’t know but something in his brain is itching, telling him to take care of his dongsaeng. He nibbles his lip, readjusting his cap before he joins the dance again, but he still can’t take his eyes off Ten in their reflection. Ten meets his eyes a few times; Taemin can’t shake how his eyes look like daggers.

* * *

Taemin keeps an eye on Ten that night, watching him from the corner of his eye as they enjoy a barbecue with the staff. To his relief, Ten eats an entire plate, laughing and asking for seconds here and there. The niggling in his brain leaves him alone and he settles back down. He’s imagining things, obviously. There’s nothing to worry about; he’s probably just on edge with being the member with most time in the industry. Baekhyun is their nominated leader but he knows a lot of the group see  _ him _ as the leader more than Baekhyun. There’s a pressure that comes with that. He snorts for a moment thinking about how SHINee would be cooing over how much he’s grown, how they taught him so well. He shakes his head, enjoying a conversation with Jongin before he finally excuses himself. He’s exhausted and he wants to make sure he actually  _ sets _ his alarm tonight; he’d found out this morning he had never set an alarm, leaving Ten to have to wake him up.

Great first impression for his dongsaeng.

He laughs at some parting retort from Jongin that he’s becoming an old man, going to bed so early, and heads back to his room. 

His hopes of an early night immediately go out the window when he opens the door and hears the sound of vomiting. Taemin lunges forward, rattling the doorknob to the room’s bathroom. “Ten? Ten are you okay?”

Taemin is almost sure he hears a soft  _ fuck _ before coughing. “I’m fine. I must have just eaten something slightly undercooked or something. I’ll be fine.”

Taemin leans against the door for a moment. The niggling feeling is back and he bites his lip. “I’ll go get you some water.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Taemin heads back to the kitchen, peering out into the patio area. He sticks his head out the door. “Hey guys? Can we quit with the barbecuing now? I know some of you guys cooking the meat have had a bit to drink and Ten’s being sick, probably some undercooked meat.”

There’s a few confused looks and Baekhyun gets up, following Taemin back inside. He lurks at the counter as Taemin grabs two bottles of water. “We didn’t start drinking until the barbecuing was done, Taemin.”

Taemin blinks a little. “Ah, he must have had something bad earlier today then and it’s catching up with him. My bad.”

Baekhyun nods and heads back outside and Taemin heads back to his room. He pauses outside for a moment. Something’s got to be wrong. He hasn’t seen Ten eat all day other than the bar at practice and dinner. He grunts, frustrated with himself before he heads back in. Ten’s curled up under his duvet, shivering a little. Taemin raises an eyebrow; it’s boiling, most of them outside sweating. He shakes his head and sighs, sitting next to him. “Come on, have some water.”

Ten takes a moment before he sits up. Taemin opens the bottle for him, holding it for him as he takes a few gulps before he lays back down. Taemin hovers a moment, nibbling his lip before he heads back to his own bed. “Just wake me up if you need anything.”

“Will do, hyung.”

* * *

Taemin wakes up groggily, something catching his attention. He flickers his eyes open to find Ten sliding back into the room, sweating and panting. He seems to have been using the gym in the villa and Taemin rolls over. He pauses as his brain reads the brain on the clock. He sits up, fully awake.

“Why are you using the gym at two in the morning?"

Ten seizes up, his shoulders almost attached to his ears. “Why are you up?”

“You just woke me up.”

Ten sighs and shakes his head, heading for the bathroom. “Look, it’s nothing okay, I just don’t like using it when everyone else is there. It’s the best time to use it now.”

“ _ Bullshit _ .” Taemin winces at how venomous his voice sounds, but he knows it’s a damn lie. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on but I really don’t like being fucking lied to. What the hell is going on?”

Ten stares at Taemin, dead eyed and emotionless, and proceeds to lock himself in the bathroom. The shower starts running and Taemin’s shoulders sag. He rubs his face, wondering if it was a good idea to say yes to a group with his dongsaengs and collapses back onto his pillows. 

When Ten eventually comes back out, he must think Taemin is still asleep, or he knows Taemin is awake and ignores him. He dresses and gets in bed and Taemin hears nothing. He closes his eyes and lets himself drift back to sleep.

* * *

The next day they have a day for relaxing. The managers had explained they wanted them all as focused as possible; most of the group had gone sightseeing, too excited to not explore Los Angeles whilst they were here. The only members that had stayed were Taemin and Lucas judging from the blaring music coming from the part of the house with the gym. 

Taemin’s head has been reeling since last night and his latest searching has his head reeling even more.

Anorexia. Bulimia. EDNOS. ARFID. 

He doesn’t know if he’s reading too much into this but a simple google search for skipping meals, being sick, exercising at weird times all lead back to the same web pages. He thought about Ten and how tiny he seemed to be. Twice his brain convinced him he was being paranoid and there wasn’t anything wrong, but he can’t stop thinking about how frail Ten looked the day he caught him coming out the shower. 

He sits up and rubs his face, heading out his room to the kitchen. He pauses when he sees Ten at the island, chewing on a sandwich as he reads a book. He looks up, apparently hearing the footsteps and Taemin pauses. 

“I uh, never mind, I was just walking around to stretch my legs.”

Something in him told him not to spook Ten when he was eating and he leans against the wall, hidden from view. He peers around the corner to find Ten is still eating, back to his book, and Taemin heads back to his room, wringing his hands. He stares at his phone; it was getting late in South Korea but his hyungs might still be awake. He sighs and grabs his phone, heading to the pool and hitting the group call button, hoping they’d be awake. 

They spend a good two hours debating the best course of action; Kibum and Jinki said that he should let Ten be. To keep an eye on him and if need be, talk to a manager. Minho had been fervently against the idea, pointing out that eating disorders are about control and if Ten was forced to a hospital that could cause him to spiral even more if he loses control. 

They end up saying their goodbyes and I miss yous and Taemin ends up even more confused than he was already. On one hand, he gets where his hyungs are coming from; this is something personal to Ten and it could be humiliating to be brought up. No one seems to know what’s going on and maybe Ten wants it that way. Maybe he’s just having a bout and he’s more in control than Taemin has seen. Maybe he just has times where he can’t eat properly… he is picky with fruit and hates the texture… if he has an avoidant disorder maybe there just isn’t enough food he  _ can _ eat. But Minho is also right. He can’t just tell a manager, they’ll force him off to get some help which could make it worse for him. 

Taemin decides to hold off for a while, just monitor for a few more days before he speaks to a manager. He should try to gently talk to Ten first and get an understanding of what’s going on before he makes any decision that could make things worse for his dongsaeng.

Taemin sighs and heads back inside heading for his room. Ten isn’t back yet and Taemin goes to collapse on the bed before an alarm across the room goes off. His head whips round to the sound and spots Ten’s phone on the nightstand. He heads over, to see if there’s a notification on the alarm of something Ten might be missing but his blood really runs cold when he reads it. 

_ Two hours, some calorie intake _

Taemin doesn’t know how he gets to the bathroom door so quickly, or how he even got here but he drops to his knees. He jerks himself back up and heads to the kitchen, ripping the cutlery drawer open and grabs a pair of chopsticks; he swears, he’s never going to be angry when Baekhyun breaks into another shower with his lock picking trick. 

He rushes back to the room and drops to his knees in front of the ensuite again, making quick work of the door before he pushes it open. Ten is in front of the mirror, looking shocked in the mirror as Taemin bursts in. He opens his mouth but doesn’t get time to say anything as Taemin grabs his wrist and tugs him out. 

Ten fights against Taemin’s hold for a minute before collapsing against Taemin’s chest, bursting into tears. Taemin lets out a sigh of relief but carefully navigates them to the nearest bed, slowly moving so they’re sitting as Ten finally snaps. 

His hands fist in Taemin’s shirt as he sobs, shaking so violently, Taemin’s scared he might even break the bed. He says nothing, cradling Ten and gently rocking them back and forth, shushing him as gently as he dares. He hears the sound of footsteps and looks up, blinking a little. Baekhyun is hovering in the doorway and Taemin shakes his head.

Baekhyun nods and shuts the door, walking away.

Taemin just focuses on calming Ten down, letting him get it all out. He doesn’t know how much time passes before Ten falls limp in his arms. Taemin peers down to find him asleep and carefully lays him down. He wraps the blanket around Ten as tightly as he dares and goes to find a manager to lock their fucking en suite. 

* * *

The next day, Taemin doesn’t mention it. He lets it be; they have interviews to contend to. Ten needs to be focused for the day. Ten knows Taemin is there, though, when he sits himself down next to Ten cuddling him and booing Jongin when he picks on Lucas, demanding he leave their dongsaengs alone because his hyung is telling him to. Ten eats probably a few more mouthfuls of his salad than he normally would.

* * *

It’s the night of debut when Taemin wakes up to a noise. He grunts as he rolls over, finding Ten trying the handle to bathroom.

“It’s locked.”

“Fuck you.”

There’s no real animosity in Ten’s voice. Taemin doesn’t flinch. Ten drops his hand from the doorknob and pauses before walking over to Taemin’s bed. He climbs in next to him and lets Taemin wrap an arm around him, anchoring him in something secure. 

* * *

It’s not until they’ve debuted, two days later, that Taemin seeks out Ten. He finds Ten curled up next to the pool, sketching on his iPad and sits on the pool lounger next to him. “Do you want to talk?”

“No.”

“Is that because you don’t want to talk or it’s too hard to talk?”

“Because I talk to you and then you go run to a manager who then contacts the manager’s back in South Korea who send me to the psych ward, and it gets leaked and my career is over for having a mental illness.”

Ten looks up, his gaze unwavering. Taemin doesn’t move. “Wouldn’t I have done that when I found you trying to stick your fingers down your throat?”

“How do I know you didn’t? The bathroom being locked constantly the moment you found me?”

“I told them we needed a key in the room because the lock kept jamming when one of us was inside. Go ahead, ask them. They have no idea. No one does. I haven’t told anyone. The only people who have half an idea are my own hyungs; I asked them for advice but made it sound like it was a manager I was worried about. They told me to tell the other managers and Minho told me to give you space.”

“Fat lot of space you gave me.”

“Yeah, I was going to give you space but seeing a fucking reminder on your phone to tell you to start throwing up sort of threw sense out the window.”

Ten rolls his eyes, but there’s no malice in it. He leans against the lounger, sighing. “What do you want to tell you?”

Taemin licks his lips. He hadn’t expected that, if he was honest. What does he want to know? This is so personal to Ten that some of it probably shouldn’t be shared. Then again, that had gone out the window when Taemin had been half dragged into this. He looks away, watching the ripples the wind makes on the pool.

“How… How can I help you? Not in a psych way, god, I’m not trained for that. How can I keep you healthy is probably the question I should ask. What can I do to help you feel more in control about things?”

Ten turns his attention back to his drawing; Taemin sees it out the corner of his eye. “If I knew that, do you think I’d still be doing this almost four years later?”

“Then let me try. Let me  _ try _ , tell me when something I do makes things worse. Let me know when something helps. Ten… You probably don’t need to hear this but you can’t keep going on like this.”

“If I let you help will you back the fuck off?”

“Now you’re just going to agree so I drop it. I can’t help you if I back off entirely. I know you’re angry, I know it’s probably horrendous for you that someone noticed probably for the first time ever. Let me in. Just past one wall.”

“Or what?”

Taemin swallows and looks at his hands. “Ten… do you understand what kind of position I’m in here? And this isn’t to make it about me, this is about  _ you _ , but do you understand where I’m at?”

“Not really and I don’t really care to know.”

“I’m watching my dongsaeng slowly give himself malnutrition and severe health risks. I’m watching you put yourself in danger every day… Heck do you know what could have happened every single time you purged, every time in the past? Do you even know the risk? Have you even looked it up?”

Ten stays focused on his drawing, but his iPad goes onto standby mode.

“I’m trying to help you, Ten, please.”

“And if I don’t?”

Taemin grits his teeth, forcing himself to not let out the frustrated sigh. “Then I have to tell a manager, Ten. I can’t sit and watch this happen, I can’t just let this keep happening. What if something happened? I can’t do that and if I have to, I will speak to anyone that will get you help.”

“So-”

“-You asked what I’d have to do. I’m not saying this as a guilt trip or to force you into anything. The choice is yours. Take your time to decide. But that’s the position I’m in watching this. These are the only options I  _ have _ .” 

Ten huffs “You have the option of butting out.”

“And finding you dead in our en suite because you ripped your stomach lining throwing up?”

Ten goes pale and silent, rubbing his lips together. 

Taemin stands up, hugging his arms to his chest. “I know this isn’t easy. I’m not going to demand an answer right away. Take some time, take your time. And I know this is  _ your _ illness, but please understand. This isn’t easy to watch and it isn’t just your life.”

Ten doesn’t reply and Taemin heads back to the room. He isn’t sure why he feels like he just made a horrendous mistake.

* * *

Taemin’s curled up on the plane back to South Korea, half asleep under a blanket as he watches whatever random film the airline has on. Whatever it is, he’s watched it so many times before, he knows what’s being said before it’s even said, even half asleep. He’s disturbed by the manager who was sitting next to him coming back to his seat and he grunts, trying to curl up smaller. 

Someone pulls his earphone out and he sits up, ready to snap someone’s wrist in half, only to lose all vitriol when he sees it’s Ten. 

“Alright. One wall.”

Taemin blinks a few times, trying to comprehend what Ten means before he remembers their conversation. He smiles weakly, nodding. “Alright, one wall. Whatever wall you deem the right one.”

Ten nods and then gets back up, heading back to where he was sat with Lucas. 

Taemin heaves a sigh of relief and lays back down, finding slipping back to sleep easier than it was before, a weight lifted from his shoulder and brain.

* * *

Taemin is laughing on a group call with Jongin and Wonshik when he hears someone banging on his door. He gets up, still laughing. “My pizza is here, shut the fuck up, I need to pay the delivery guy.”

He opens the door still laughing to pause. Ten is stood on his doorstep, soaking wet and he steps back. He inclines his head for Ten to head inside and quickly looks down at his phone. “Hey, something came up, I have to go.”

“What, sasaengs again?”

Taemin casts a quick glance at Ten in his living room. “Yeah, sasaengs. Call you guys tomorrow.” He ends the call as quick as he dares without causing worry before he shuts the door. He shoves his phone in his pocket and heads into the living room head tilted.

“You okay?”

“No.”

That was fucking obvious and Taemin kicks himself. But at least he admitted it. From what Taemin’s read online, that’s good. “You wanna sit down?”

Ten looks down at his soaked clothes and the fabric couch and Taemin hovers in the doorway. “You want to talk or just go and shower first?”

“Shower.”

“Alright, but one rule.”

Ten jerks his head round, eyebrow raised.

“No purging in my house. I mean it. I catch you purging here and I talk to my manager.” 

Ten doesn’t move or even blink for a moment before he nods. Taemin nods and jerks his head down the hallway. “Last door on the right. I’ll bring you a towel and some clothes.”

Ten stumbles as he walks but stays upright, disappearing down the hallway.

Taemin watches him go, biting on his lip. He hurries around the living room, clearing up the few shirts and towels he’s left around. He quickly empties his suitcase and dumps it all in the laundry room, pulling the door shut before rushing to put his suitcase away. He casts his eyes around his kitchen and puts the boxes of food from grocery shopping away. He knows Ten doesn’t care about the state of his house, not in whatever mood he’s in, but a cleaner environment will probably be better for him and keep him more grounded. He hesitates before pulling down the gates on his cupboards, making sure all sight of food is cut off. He’s not sure why Ten is here, but potentially triggering him isn’t on the checklist. He’ll learn as this goes on what’s good and what’s not, but for now, Taemin doesn’t want to take any chances. 

Taemin nods as he looks around; it’s cleaner, more pleasing to the eye and he can’t see any food. He heads to the laundry room, about to get a towel when there’s another knock on the door. Taemin heads to the door and opens it. “Fuck.”

“Uh?”

“Oh, nothing, sorry.” Taemin fishes his wallet out his pocket and takes the pizza, wincing once the door is closed. He heads back to the kitchen and pushes it into the oven, shutting it quickly and hoping it keeps most of the smell contained.

He heads back to the laundry room to grab a towel from the dryer and into his room. He finds the smallest shirt and pyjama bottoms he can but he shivers with a grimace. They’re still likely to be too big for Ten. It makes his stomach churn but he forces the feeling away, heading to the bathroom.

He pauses, listening intently. He breathes a sigh of relief when he finds he’s just paranoid; he can hear Ten moving about in the shower. Taemin knocks gently on the door.    
  
“Am I good to come in? I’ve got a towel and clothes.”

“Your house, isn’t it?”

Ten sounds so… emotionless it makes Taemin wince and he carefully opens the door. He makes sure to stare at the wall as he passes through, shutting the toilet lid and placing them on top of the seat. “I’m sorry, I ordered a pizza before I… knew you were coming, do you want me to try and air out the kitchen?”

Ten doesn’t reply for a moment before making a noise. “If you could.”

“I’ll do my best.”

Taemin heads back to the door before Ten laughs. He stops, half out the door, waiting.

“You’re weird.”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t want to gawk? Everyone else does when they see me in a short sleeved shirt, how pretty my fucking arms, how slender and slim I am, how fucking  _ body goals _ I am.”

Taemin looks back slightly, not enough to see Ten but enough to give his full attention. “If I have to look, I will, but it's your body and you don’t deserve everyone gawking at you and making comments that push your mind further with this. You deserve your right to privacy and your own body autonomy like everyone else, no matter what you’re doing with your body.”

Ten doesn’t reply and Taemin steps outside, pulling the door shut. He heaves a sigh of relief and covers his mouth, trying to force the tears not to prick in his eyes. He forces it down, shuddering and heads to the kitchen. He focuses on the window locks, pushing them open as much as he dares and getting a fan to place on the island. He takes his time, angling it so it blows directly from the oven to the window. He jumps out his skin when Ten chuckles from the doorway.

He looks round, sheepishly. 

“So much effort just to get rid of the smell of grease and burned cheese?”

Taemin rubs the back of his head and moves to sit down on the couch. “You wanna talk?”

Ten’s face contorts and Taemin nods. “Okay, we can just watch some movies or something.”

Ten seems to relax and joins Taemin on the couch. Taemin gives Ten the remote who immediately raises his eyebrows. “Profile Name: Jinki Taemin get your own netflix?”

“Oh yea, ignore that.”

“Are you a multi millionaire idol, leeching off your hyungs Netflix?”

“He isn’t exactly using it in the military.”

“Profile name: Kibum Taemin get your own netflix?”

“Yeah Kibum can’t talk he’s parasiting off Jinki too.”

“Does Kibum pay something for the use of the Netflix.”

“Yeah.”   
  
“Are you?”

“No.”

“So which is your profile?”

“The first New Profile with the generic smiley face.”

“You ingenious bastard.”

Taemin chuckles and leans back on the couch. He’s surprised when Ten decides on some documentary about the different street foods in Asia, but doesn’t question it. He wraps his arm around Ten and lets the younger lean on him. “Did you walk here in the rain?”

“Yeah.”

“Next time, please get a taxi when it’s raining.”

“Okay.”

There’s something about how Ten  _ doesn’t _ deny there won’t be a next time that fills Taemin with some small hope. He smiles, letting his fingers tease through Ten’s hair as they fall silent, focusing on the documentary. 

It doesn’t take long for Ten to fall asleep pressed against Taemin and he smiles, turning the television off. He’s gentle when he picks up Ten, making sure he doesn’t jog him and carefully deposits him in his own bed. He tucks him in, makes sure that he won’t be cold and then pauses. 

He has a double bed, sharing one would be easy, but he isn’t sure about personal space. He shrugs and gets a spare blanket from his closet and heads back to the couch, curling up on it. The pizza in the oven still smells good and his stomach grumbles but he sighs and rolls onto his back, letting himself drift off to sleep.

* * *

Taemin falls off the couch in alarm when a scream echoes around his house. He stumbles to his feet and heads in the vague direction of his bedroom, only to trip over Ten curled up in the hallway. He manages to catch himself and sits down, wordlessly wrapping Ten in his arms. It takes Taemin a moment to realise that Ten is perched outside of the bathroom, shaking and crying but the air still smells normal and he closes his eyes, thankful. 

Ten clambers into Taemin’s lap clinging to him as he cries and Taemin just holds him, rubbing his back and rocking him as best he can in the position.

* * *

Taemin wakes up, groaning slightly at the crick in his neck. He blinks, disorientated, before he realises he’s sat up in the hallway. Ten is still clinging to him, asleep and he grunts a little, rubbing his eye. He doesn’t move his arm from around Ten’s waist and looks around to see if he can see anything with the time. Nothing tells him and he could curse. He takes a moment to take in the situation; Ten is straddling his waist so he should be able to hold Ten to his chest like he does with Jongin’s nephew. He carefully gets his feet under him, lifting as slowly as he dares without losing his balance. 

He manages to get up but Ten stirs slightly, groaning. “What time is it?”

“I don’t know, go back to sleep.”

Ten grunts but falls silent as Taemin carefully deposits him back in bed. The clock on his nightstand says it's only nine thirty and he yawns before shuffling through to the living room. He hesitates by the kitchen and grumbles, getting the pizza out the oven. He eats a few slices before putting it back in the oven and turning the fan on again to get rid of the smell before he collapses back on the couch.

He debates going back to sleep but he doesn’t want to be asleep if Ten decides he wants to talk. He gets up, makes a coffee and yawns. He must zone out, he decides,when he jumps out his skin at a pair of arms wrapping around him. Ten’s forehead rests against the back of his shoulder and he raises a hand to rest on top of Ten’s. 

“Thank you for letting me stay.”

“Of course.”

“Sorry I didn’t text or something first.”

“You weren’t thinking about that. You’re alright. Come round whenever, text or not.”

Ten makes a noise and falls silent again. Taemin shifts a little to lean his back against the kitchen counter, letting Ten lean against his chest. “It’ll be okay, eventually, you know that right?”

“Eventually’s a long time away.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s unreachable.”

“Mm.”    
  
“Coffee?"

“Black, no sugar.”

Taemin gently pulls away, making them up before they end up perching at the kitchen island. Taemin stirs the foam around his mug with his finger before Ten clears his throat.

“It’s OSFED.”

“OFSED?”

“Other specified feeding or eating disorder.”

Taemin nods and looks back at his coffee. “So what does that mean.. For you? Like… Not what are the details but.”

“I have periods where I’m okay. Some periods where I can eat normally. And periods where I'm really not okay.”

“Okay.”

Taemin doesn’t pursue it, giving Ten a soft smile before drinking his coffee. “Do you want to stay today or tonight?”

“I should probably go back to the dorms so they don’t worry. I sort of just drifted out last night.” 

“You can come back tonight if things are too hard.”

Ten nods, taking a few sips of his coffee. “I might.”

Taemin nods and Ten looks around the room. “Can I. Can I ask something?”

“Sure.”

“When I do stay… I mean the times I stay…” He drifts off for a moment. “In LA, when you held me… it was nice, easier to sleep. Can you…”

“Sleep in the bed with you?”   
  
“Yeah.” 

“Course I can.” 

“Why didn’t you last night?”

“Hm?”

“Why didn’t you sleep in your own bed last night?”

Taemin can see a hint of insecurity in Ten’s eyes and puts his cup down. “I just wasn’t sure if you’d be comfortable with that. You were vulnerable, maybe scared, I didn’t want to push any boundaries I didn’t know about, or cause you to panic or anything like that.”

Ten lets out a breath and nods, holding his coffee with both hands.

“Why did- Never mind.”

Taemin raises an eyebrow. “You can ask.”

“I’m not sure I want to know the answer.”

Taemin nods. “Alright.”

Ten finishes his coffee in a few mouthfuls and slowly stands. “I should get back to the dorm.”

“I’ll call you a taxi.”

Ten nods and disappears. Taemin hears the shower turning on as he gets up, looking for his phone. When he finds it, it’s dead and he rolls his eyes, grabbing his home phone. He’s thankful that it answers quickly and he can order one. He finishes his coffee off and stretches. Ten appears again pretty quickly in another outfit of Taemin, sheepish. “My clothes are still wet from last night.. Is it okay if I take these and get them back to you?”

“Of course… Hey, Ten, are you sure you don’t need to talk about last night?”

“Yeah, I just… needed someone around.”

Taemin nods and offers his arms. Ten sinks into another hug, letting out a small sigh. “You stink of pizza.”

“Oh my god, it was 3 slices.”

“Two hundred-” Ten freezes and falls silent. “Nothing.”

Taemin curls his fingers in Ten’s hair and gently squeezes him. “It’s okay.”

Ten sighs and pulls away as a car pulls up on the gravel driveway and shakes his hair out. “Alright, I’ll text you when I get back.”

“Be safe. And healthy.”

Ten nods, a small smile slipping over his lips for a moment before he disappears out the house. Taemin sighs and collapses on the couch, rubbing his face. 

He’s not sure he’s up to this.

* * *

Taemin’s woken up by his phone ringing. He grunts and rolls over, ignoring it. Who the fuck would call him at three in the morning? His hand reflexively reaches out with a mild panic when he remembers Ten and he answers, groggy. “Hello?”

“Oh my god Taemin-oppa? You answered-”

Taemin ends the call and blocks the number, huffing. He’s going to destroy this phone and be a hermit without one, one day.

* * *

Taemin fiddles with his phone, opening it and locking it, opening and then closing messages. Ten saw his messages earlier, asking if he was okay, but hasn’t replied at all. It’s probably nothing, he’s probably rehearsing. WayV is due for a comeback soon. But that makes him all the more worried; is he doing what he was doing in Los Angeles? Is he going to check Twitter to see GetWellSoonTen trending because he passed out during practice?

“Hello?”

Taemin jumps, looking up at Jongin and Wonshik, staring at him. He blushes a little and stabs his steak with his fork. “Sorry, I zoned out for a second.”

“Yeah, you’re obsessed with your phone. What, got a girlfriend hidden away that you haven’t told us about?”

Taemin rolls his eyes at Wonshik, about to make a snappy retort when Jongin grabs his phone. Taemin yelps and lunges over the table to get it back but it’s too late.

His phone was open, on the messages. There’s so much there, asking Ten how much he ate, urging him for one more bite, Ten admitting he had purged, Ten whining about how hungry he is but can’t bring himself to eat.

Wonshik is staring over Jongin’s shoulder and their expressions tell Taemin they understand enough to put the pieces together. Jongin’s shock gives him a moment to snatch it back, locking it and shoving it in his bag. “If either of you two say  _ anything _ I swear to _ God _ , I will leak that Jongin’s dating Baekhyun but you two are fucking behing Baek’s back  _ directly _ to Dispatch.”

They put their hands up, returning to their meals in silence. Taemin cuts a slice of steak a bit too enthusiastically making them both jump. 

* * *

It’s eight pm when Taemin finally gets any contact. He picks his phone up and Ten’s sent a picture, looking happy over a plate of pad thai. It’s not much, probably enough for a child’s portion but Taemin is definitely not going to complain.

_ Sorry for the lack of chatting today, lucas dragged me out _

Taemin sighs and texts back  _ hey can you call for a minute, priv? _

A call comes through about a minute later. “Is something up?”

Taemin fiddles with the hem of his jumper, staring at his ceiling. “Uh, I’m not sure how to.. Jongin stole my phone today when it was unlocked.”

“What about it?”

“Wonshik… you know Ravi? Was looking over his shoulder. My messages with you were open.”

Silence comes down the other end of the phone. Taemin swallows. “They’re not going to say anything, I’m not sure if they even pieced everything together I just… I’m sorry.”

“I appreciate the honesty.”

“I’ll keep them silent, I promise I just… thought you should probably know… with everything I don’t. I don’t know how these things go and I’m just. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, really. I’m going to go to bed, I’m exhausted.”

“Night, Ten.”

“Goodnight, Taemin-hyung.”

The dial tone rings in Taemin’s ear, but it doesn’t drown out how formal Ten suddenly was.

* * *

Taemin mopes on the couch. He’s not sure why he’s moping when Ten doesn’t contact him. It’s been three days now. He should be  _ worried _ . He should be  _ concerned _ . Taemin sighs and buries his face in his pillow. He should go to the dorm building and see if Ten’s okay, just check in on him and make sure he hasn’t lost any more weight in his cheeks. He sighs and rolls over. Ten clearly wants space; he’s probably spooked.

He’s going to kill his best friends.

* * *

Taemin’s phone ringing wakes him up and he groans as he rolls over. The clock says it’s four am and the caller ID simply says Unknown. He grumbles and debates throwing his phone across the room. He drops it back on his night stand but his thumb catches the screen as he does. He grabs it and puts it to his ear. “If this is someone I do not know personally, I have your number saved and I will be contacting the co-”

“-Taemin-hyung?”

“Lucas?” Taemin sits up, rubbing his eye. “Lucas, it’s four in the morning.”

“I know, I’m sorry… I don’t know Ten’s locked himself in the bathroom and just keeps asking for you-”

“-I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

* * *

Rushing into his dongsaeng’s building in his pyjamas and a cap to hide his face probably isn’t the smartest idea, Taemin realises as he rushes up the stairs. The elevator in the building is shit and it’ll be quicker to sprint the nine flights than it would be to wait. He’s not sure how he isn’t panting as he knocks on the door. 

Kun answers the door, peering around it ever so slightly before it shuts, a chain being removed and it swinging open. Taemin hovers in the doorway, biting his lip. 

“Bathroom is in the middle of the hallway, third door on the right.”

Taemin nods and heads down. He tries the door handle and isn’t surprised to find it locked. He knocks gently. “Ten? Ten it’s me.”

There’s silence for a moment, maybe a whole minute and Taemin feels like he might vomit. Then the lock clattering sounds and he breathes out. He hears Ten scramble back and quickly slips inside, shutting the door behind him. He takes a second before he locks the door.

He pulls his cap off and looks around. The bathroom has been trashed. There’s small pieces of glass everywhere; from the looks of it, a pair of broken glass scales. There’s bottles everywhere, an exploded shampoo bottle sits next to Taemin’s foot and he grimaces as he takes a step to the side. He gently moves forward, sitting down next to Ten. 

He doesn’t say anything, just let Ten sink into his side. 

He bursts into tears the moment Taemin’s arm wraps around him and Taemin rests his cheek on the top of his head. Taemin rubs his hand up and down, gently brushing over Ten’s bicep. “Let it out, let it out.”

Taemin isn’t sure how long it takes for Ten to fall silent. He leans forward, looking at his face. He’s staring at the corner of the room, half his face pushed against his knees. Taemin frowns a little, moving his thumb to trace under a small cut on his forehead.

“What happened?”

“Glass bounces back when you throw it against the wall.”

“Are your eyes okay? You didn’t get any in them?”

“They’re fine.”

“Do you think you might have swallowed some?”

Ten shakes his head and Taemin nods. “Come on, let's sit you on the toilet so I can take a look at the damage.”

Ten stares at him, eyes dull and Taemin catches himself. “Any damage from the glass.”

Ten slowly uncoils and lets Taemin help him stand to sit down. Taemin kneels down, gently rolling up Ten’s sleep bottoms; he keeps an eye on his face, for any hint for him to stop. There isn’t one and he gently takes Ten’s ankle to pull his leg out, there’s a few small little spots where he’s been caught but nothing bad. The other leg is clean. 

“So you finally get to gawk, huh?”

“I’m not gawking. I’m making sure you’re not physically harmed and that’s all.” 

“Did Jongin and Wonshik gawk.”

Taemin looks up, tilting his head. “What do you mean, Ten?”

“I’ve sent so many pictures, so many where my arms look like fucking twigs and in shorts and-”

“There were no pictures. I delete them. You send them only to reassure me, and once I’m reassured, I have no reason to keep them. I don’t keep anything you don’t give me consent to.”

Ten’s eyes flicker to Taemin. “How much did they see?”

“I don’t know.” He reaches up to gently squeeze Ten’s hands. “The chat just had some about you eating, a bit about how you were hungry but couldn’t eat. I honestly don’t know if they pieced it together… Honestly I think they’re scandalised at the idea we might be dating… I can ask them if you want to know?”

Ten nods, sniffing. He doesn’t pull his hands away, though, turning them to slide his hands down to grip Taemin’s wrists. Taemin smiles and gently holds Ten’s arms. “I’ll ask them tomorrow, okay?”

“Why not now?”

“Because you’ve got a cut on your forehead, and probably a lot of superficial ones on the soles of your feet that are going to need to be sorted or you won’t be able to dance.”

Ten sniffs and nods. He sits silently and lets Taemin gently pull away, gently cleaning the small marks from the glass. Taemin unlocks the door and peers out. He finds Xiaojun walking by and clears his throat. “Hey, can you get me a broom?”

Xiaojun jumps, apparently unaware Taemin was there but nods, scurrying off to the kitchen. Taemin waits for him to come back and takes it, locking the door. He makes sure all the glass is piled in one corner before he lets Ten stand up. “Do you want me to stay?”

“No.”

Taemin licks his lips and makes a noise of acknowledgement as he heads for the door. “Alright, I’m just going to make sure this glass is cleaned-”

“-I wanna go back with you.”

Taemin blinks a little before nodding. “Okay, you can come back with me. Let’s just get this glass cleaned up, alright?”

Ten nods, drifting back into his own world. Taemin gently lifts him, peering out the bathroom. “Which room is yours?”

“Directly opposite.”

Taemin rushes him through and jumps out of his skin when he finds Hendery in there. Roommates. He forgot those were a thing. 

Hendery looks confused and Taemin clears his throat. “Uh, there’s a big pile of glass in the corner between the toilet and wall. There’s an exploded shampoo bottle in there as well, I…” Taemin moves one of his hands, gesturing to Ten in his arms and Hendery nods. He disappears quickly, and Taemin sighs as he sets Ten down on his bed. Ten slowly stands, rubbing his arm. “I can get dressed.”

Taemin nods and heads back outside, bouncing on his feet outside the room. It feels like an age before the door opens. Ten appears by his side in a much too baggy hoodie and a pair of tracksuit bottoms. Lucas peers out and ushers them to the door. “I’ll sort stuff here, you two go.”

Taemin nods and calls an Uber from his phone. He’s thankful when it says its only minutes away and he leads Ten downstairs. Ten jerks forward and Taemin has a horrible thought of Ten falling down the stairs, but his hand gently grasps Taemin’s. Taemin squeezes it tightly and holds it as strongly as he dares.

* * *

“Taemin, I was asleep.” It’s a whine, and for some reason it brings a soft smile to Taemin’s face.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I spoke to Jongin and Wonshik.”

“Oh?”

“They think we’re dating.”

Ten lets out a sigh of relief and Taemin smiles. “Go back to sleep.”

“Goodnight, Taeminnie.”

* * *

Taemin can’t help but laugh as he’s having his wrist splinted as Ten peers into the room. He raises an eyebrow as his group mate lingers in the corner of the room, holding a small bag. The doctor leaves once he’s done and Taemin holds his wrist to his chest. “What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed to be looking after you.”

Ten smiles weakly and walks over to sit on the end of the bed. “Jongin said you were here. Is it bad?” 

“Small fracture. Should be healed in a couple of months. Nothing big. I’ll be back to dancing much sooner than we were expecting.”

Ten nods and holds the bag out. Taemin takes it with his hand and carefully opens it. “Yuxiang shredded pork, one of my favourites.”

Ten chuckles and crosses his legs on the bed. “Yeah, that’s not the gift… God, that sounds corny.”

“What’s my gift?” Taemin waggles his eyebrows at Ten only to look back in the bag and realise there’s  _ two _ servings in the bag. Ten pulls one out of the bag along with a pair of chopsticks and sets it on his lap before he helps Taemin open his own box. 

* * *

When WayV’s promotions are done, Taemin finds himself working night and day on his album. He gets barely any time to check his phone and all he can do is hope that Ten has someone else he can lean on for now. It kills him; he manages to get a few texts in between Instagram Lives, Bubble and Lysn but they’re awake and asleep at different times and Taemin barely gets a chance to reply to his messages in the morning.

Taemin finally gets home after a day recording performances the day before his album is meant to release, to freeze. His living room window has been broken, opened from the inside and pulled open. He gets his phone out, the police ready to dial as he slowly opens the door. He peers in the hallway to find nothing. He takes a deep breath and steps inside. 

“Hello? The cops are on their way- FUCK”

Taemin lunges to the ground as a shadow stands next to him. He wonders why he didn’t throw himself back out the house for a moment before he recognises the soft sniffles.

“Ten?!”

He stands up and turns the light on to find Ten, pressed into the corner. “I’m sorry I… I’m sorry.”

Taemin huffs a sigh of relief, pushing the door to the house shut. “Go wait in the living room, I’ll be there in a minute, okay? I just need to shower and get changed.”

“I already called SM about the window, someone will be out tomorrow to fix it.”

Taemin nods and sighs. “Why did you break in?”

Ten looks away and shrugs. “I needed… needed somewhere safe.”

Taemin sighs softly and pulls him in for a one-armed hug, making sure his bags don’t collide with Ten’s legs. “I’ll get my manager to make you a key.”

* * *

Taemin notices, the day he’s rushing to get dressed for an interview, that most of his closet has been taken over by Ten. Every article of clothing he brushes past is either one of Ten’s shirts, or one of his own that Ten has stolen from him. He looks over his shoulder at Ten still asleep, arms wrapped around Taemin’s pillow. He snorts a little and gives up on the closet, pulling whatever sweater and jeans he has in his dresser before he rushes for a shower.

* * *

“Do you think I should give my key to the dorms back?”

Taemin jumps at the question, looking up and blinking. “Huh?”

“I mean... “ Ten sighs. “That was a dumb question. Of course I need to get back to the dorms and everything.”

“Wait, wait, what do you think is going on here?”

Ten purses his lips, with a soft intake of breath. “I mean… I guess in a way I live here now.”

“I mean, yeah, but why would you give your key to the dorm back? You still need to get in there, your group lives there, you need to get in and out during promotions and sometimes you sleep there when it’s too tiring to come back here.”

Ten nods and smiles a little.

“Was this just an elaborate plan to get me to say you live here?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Taemin snorts and goes back to his meat. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Didn’t you break into Kibum’s house on his birthday, leave a cake in his fridge, browse his closet like you were shopping, steal a jacket, record it all, post proof all over the internet, go on a Live immediately after and then discuss it on national television?”

“I’m sorry, who broke into my house five minutes before I got home because they wanted a hug?”

Ten scowls and kicks Taemin under the table as they burst into laughter.

* * *

It’s the day before they’re due to be at SM to start preparing for Super One. Taemin’s relaxing in bed, trying to get some well needed rest before he has to start rushing around like a headless chicken with some dance moves when Ten calls for him. He stands and heads into the bathroom, stretching a little but freezes when he sees Ten struggling with his shirt. He laughs, having to bend over a moment.

“Help me out you asshole.”

Taemin stumbles forward, untwisting the material so that Ten can get his arm out of it. It takes a moment for both of them to get it off and Taemin snorts as he throws it in the direction of the laundry basket. 

He immediately starts heading out, used to Ten having his own privacy but this time, a hand grabs his wrist. Taemin looks back to find Ten staring at him in the mirror, a gentle tug on his hand pulling him back in. 

Taemin swallows as he steps behind Ten, watching him in the mirror. Taemin lets his arms encircle Ten’s waist, not breaking eye contact in the mirror. He knows what Ten is asking and he takes a breath before he lets his gaze drop. 

Ten doesn’t look… as  _ skeletal _ as Taemin had feared over the past year. Maybe he’s gained more weight since this started, since Taemin refused to let him go on the destructive path he was set on walking down. His chest isn’t… as filled out as Taemin would like it to be but his stomach isn’t concave like it used to be; Taemin had noticed it a few times when Ten stretched and his shirt rode up. It’s not exactly convex, but it’s not unhealthy either. Taemin could even swear he sees the hint of muscle forming over his abs. His arms no longer look so fragile, like they’d break if he lifted something heavy, his biceps are starting to have more shape to them. When Taemin runs his hand down his arm, he can’t make his thumb and little finger meet around Ten’s wrist anymore.

Taemin lets out a breath and presses his nose to the crook of Ten’s neck. “You look good. Healthy. Fuck, you look  _ good _ .”

Ten tilts his head, letting Taemin stay there for a moment. Taemin blinks back a few tears before pressing his forehead to Ten’s head. 

They don’t speak. They stand that way for maybe five minutes before Ten steps forward, gently pushing Taemin out the room. Taemin laughs softly. “Hurry up and we might get a movie in tonight.”

“I would be quicker if I didn’t have to pull your manky hair out the plug hole every damn time I shower!”

“Blame SM, they keep bleaching and dying my hair!”

* * *

It’s after the release of  _ 100 _ , when they’re gearing up for  _ Tiger Inside _ that Taemin gets home and knows something is wrong. All the lights are off when he gets home; Ten got home hours before, but this isn’t like he went to bed early. Usually, he’d leave at least the hallway light on so Taemin can navigate his way without tripping over something and waking Ten up.

He can hear Ten crying down the hall, see the glow of the bathroom light under the door. 

He rushes toward it, rattling the door knob. “Ten? Ten, let me in.”

“No, no.”

“Ten, let me in.” 

“No.” It’s almost hysterical, a shriek that comes from inside and Taemin grunts.

He leans back, smashing his shoulder against the door. He hisses at the pain, but goes in for another shove before Ten yells. “STOP, you’re going to hurt your wrist again.”

“Ten, let me in or I swear to god I’m going to break down this door.”

There’s a pause before the lock clicks. Taemin almost falls inside in his rush to get inside. He has to take a moment, the scent of vomit overwhelming in the small space. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I swear this has been the only time I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Ten breaks down again, clutching the dressing gown he’s wearing around himself and Taemin gently sits next to him. 

“What happened?”

“The comments, the  _ comments _ .”

Taemin carefully pulls Ten into his lap, shushing him as he cries. “I’m not mad, I’m not mad, shh, it’s okay.” 

When Taemin eventually gets Ten calmed down and asleep, he collapses at the kitchen island before opening the comments for  _ 100 _ on his phone. 

_ I don’t know is it me or are Ten’s cheeks get pudgier? _

_ Ten doesn’t look as delicate as he used to _

_ Taemin is so skinny, he’s gorgeous. _

Taemin throws his phone across the room and buries his face in his arms. 

* * *

When  _ Tiger Inside  _ releases, Ten wakes up to a phone with no internet access, only texting and calling available, and with no photo availability sitting on his night stand, his usual Samsung missing. When he slips off for a shower, the scales have disappeared and there’s a child lock on the toilet.

* * *

When Ten gets a chance to log on Taemin’s laptop that night, when Taemin’s asleep, he realises what the child lock is for when his frantic fingers can’t get the lock to undo. The sink does the job instead.

* * *

It’s when Taemin comes home one night, finding Ten collapsed in the bathroom, from exhaustion, that he storms into Han Se Min’s office the next day and states clearly that if something isn’t done about YouTube comments, he’ll personally be leaving and likely with Lee Sooman’s approval. 

* * *

It’s two months into Ten’s relapse when he moves back into the dorm. 

He doesn’t answer Taemin’s phone calls when Taemin finds his note. 

* * *

Taemin should be happy to see Jinki. He should be ecstatic to see his hyung, finally, out of the military. But he just can’t put full effort into his smile as Jinki makes his way around his kitchen, cooking something he learned in the military. It takes for Taemin to miss another very blatant dad joke for Jinki to sigh.

“Alright, what’s going on?”

Taemin blinks a little. “It doesn’t matter.”

“What? Bad break up?”

Taemin makes a noise and shrugs. “I guess you could say something like that.”

“Talk to me.”

Taemin fiddles with his coffee mug before sighing. “You remember when I called you from Los Angeles? Back at SuperM debut when one of my managers was going through a potential eating disorder?”

“Mhm, I remember.”

“Well… it wasn’t a manager. It was… It’s Ten. He’s got one and he’s… I told him to just. I don’t know, I didn’t  _ tell _ him, I  _ asked _ him to let me in. And he did and he’s been doing amazing but the recent comeback… some comments caused him to relapse really badly. And you know like when he was here, at least there was someone who  _ knew _ what was going on here for him you know? But when he first came to me here, I told him no purging in my house. And that was… god that was back then when he was flighty and nervous and ready to kick me in the balls and run from my house screaming… but he moved in. You know, he’s got a key still to just come here, and stay here whenever he wants… Ha, he broke into my house because he just needed to see me and he needed a hug and he didn’t have a key… that’s why he got a key. But god that was back  _ then _ , when he was so angry and didn’t want my help… Not  _ now _ when he was stuck in a relapse and  _ needed _ the support, you now? But he still remembers me saying no purging in this house and he left, he went back to the dorms.” 

Jinki takes a moment to process everything before leaning on the counter.

“Did he give a reason?”

“He didn’t want me to be disappointed in him or think lesser of him.”

“Do you?”

“No, god no.”

“Have you told him that?”

“I tried ringing him, but he won’t answer my phone calls.”

“Lee Taemin.”

Taemin looks up, shocked by the seriousness on Jinki’s face. 

“Get you car keys, get in the car, and break down the damn dorm’s door. Right now.”

Taemin stares, blinking a few moments before he stumbles up and grabs his keys, running for the door.

* * *

Taemin pushes Ten’s dorm door open probably a bit too hard, judging from the way Ten and Hendery jump out their skin. Hendery looks between Taemin and Ten and quickly scurries out the room.

“Come back, you idiot.”

Ten blinks at Taemin, nail varnish brush hovering in mid air. “What.”

“I’m not disappointed in you and I don’t think any less of you, god, you’re having a relapse, you can’t help that. When I said no purging in my house I meant  _ then _ when you were looking for any excuse to slip away, that your group mates were starting to get suspicious, or managers didn’t trust you alone because of fans. God, I didn’t mean  _ now _ when you’re actually trying to get better and this relapse is driving you insane and you hate it as much as you’re following what it tells you. I didn’t mean  _ now _ , I could never mean  _ now _ when you’re  _ trying _ as hard as you are. Come back.”

Ten stares at Taemin before he slowly screws the nail varnish cap back on. He spends a moment waving his hand and blowing on his nails before he gets up. Taemin bites his lip only to be shocked by a slap to his face. “You could have told me that you fucking twat.”

But Ten wraps his arms so tightly around Taemin, he thinks a rib might fracture, but he doesn’t let Ten let go.

* * *

It’s when Taemin wakes up, pushing his alarm clock violently off the night stand because he can’t find the button and it’ll wake up Ten. It’s when he rolls over, to see Ten slumbering still, glowing in the soft morning light, the golden hue giving him an ethereal look, perhaps one of an elf, or a faerie, or anything not of this world, that Taemin realises he might be in love.

It’s when his eyes flicker open sleepily, grumbling about Taemin staring at him and when Ten smacks him in the face with a pillow that he knows there’s definitely feelings hiding under his skin.

* * *

It’s when Taemin goes to lunch with Jinki, the first time they’ve gotten a chance to see each other, and Ten is sat next to Taemin, quietly, that Taemin realises that he and Ten go almost everywhere together.

When Ten struggles to get through the last half of his plate, looking uncomfortable, Jinki drops his own chopsticks and talks about how sickly the meat sauce is,  _ isn’t it so sickly, Taemin _ that Taemin breathes a sigh of relief.

* * *

Taemin and Ten run through the rain from the taxi back to the house, laughing as they try to cram under Taemin’s jacket, held above them. Ten yelps as he drops the key, laughing and almost unable to pick it up from how wet it is. The trip to the cinema was a welcome distraction from their lives but getting inside out of the sudden bitter rain is definitely the best part. 

Ten heads to the bathroom, and Taemin joins him, both of them shedding their shirts and chucking them in a pile on the floor. “You want to take the shower first?”

Taemin shakes his head. “Your jeans got more soaked than mine did, you go ahead.”

It’s when Taemin notices that Ten has no qualms undressing in front of him anymore, no longer shy to hide his body, scared that Taemin might stare. “Your legs look good.”

“Perv.”

“THEY’RE WELL DEFINED YOU HAVE NICE MUSCLES.”   


“Yeah, I’ve seen your films, that’s what all the serial killers say.”

Taemin scoffs, checking a forming pimple on his chin before he heads to the kitchen. “Pork salad for lunch?”

“What’s the pork? The leg muscles of your last victim?”

“I’m going to make you sleep on the couch!”

Ten laughs, bright, loud,  _ happy _ . “Pork salad sounds good.”

* * *

Taemin takes his time gently massaging Ten’s knee; he twisted it in dance practice earlier that day. His touch is soft, barely ghosting Ten’s skin. “You’re looking healthier and healthier every time I see your legs, you know that?”

Ten scoffs and rolls his eyes, kicking Taemin’s shoulder with his other foot, but the look in his eyes tells him, it’s definitely what he wanted to hear.

* * *

When Taemin wakes up at 5am to the sound of vomiting, he gets up. He wraps one arm around Ten’s waist, and uses his other hand to keep his hair out of his face. When he’s finished, he collapses about Taemin.

This time, he doesn’t whisper sorry about relapsing again or try to hide from embarrassment. He let’s Taemin clean him up and carry him back to bed, falling back to bed clinging to Taemin.

* * *

When Kibum gets released from the military, the first thing he does is have everyone at his house. Taemin’s nervous when he finds out too late that it’s a large dinner with way too much food on Ten’s plate. His paranoia, however, seems to be nothing more than that when Ten eats his whole plate complimenting Kibum on his skills. His relapse seems to be over.

They end up staying the night, Jinki on the couch with Taemin and Ten in the guest room. 

Taemin’s woken up at some time during the night, a worried Kibum looking down on him. “Ten… I was just going to the bathroom and…”

Taemin gets up; it thankfully doesn’t take him too long to get Ten settled and calm and back to bed. He heads to the kitchen, sighing a little only to stop to find Kibum, getting a drink. He throws a bottle of water to Taemin, tilting his head. “Everything alright?”

“Uh, yeah, uh… Ten struggles with an eating disorder. I thought his relapse was over but he must have felt too rude to not eat everything.”

Kibum nods and takes a mouthful from his bottle. “How much is a better plate size?”

“Something like between a kids plate and an adult?”

Kibum nods and smiles. “I’ll make sure to change it next time.”

“Did Jinki not tell you?”

“He probably didn’t feel it was his place. I’m sorry I caused him a relapse.”

Taemin smiles weakly. “Thanks.” 

“Is he alright?”

“Yeah, he’s back in bed, asleep.”

“I’ll give you a doggy bag in case he gets hungry on the way home tomorrow. Only if, just so there’s some stuff to snack on.”

Taemin smiles gratefully and waves over his shoulder as he heads back to bed.

* * *

Taemin’s worried about his hyungs real feelings towards Ten. He can’t imagine this is easy; coming home to find Taemin now has Ten constantly glued to his side, and with the issues he struggles with. 

His worries are put aside when he hears someone open his door at three in the morning, peeking around his doorway and finding Jinki and Kibum sneaking in to put up decorations for a surprise party for Ten’s birthday.

* * *

Ten groans, rolling over and holding his stomach. “I ate too much.”

Taemin scoffs. “You did not, you ate less than half the kids in there!”

“My stomach hurts.” 

Taemin throws his phone aside and rolls Ten on his back, gently pressing kisses over Ten’s now slightly convex stomach. Ten bursts into laughter pushing at Taemin. “You fucing  _ dork _ .”

“Magic kiss it better?”

“Mm, it definitely feels a little better now.”

* * *

“Taeminnie.” Ten whines against his back. 

“What’s wrong?"

“My stomach hurts.” 

“Hmm, that’s weird it was hurting like two hours ago, when you took painkillers which should have kicked in half an hour ago.” Taemin sighs, grinning. “I guess we’ll have to take you to the doctor to get you better painkillers.”

Ten snorts, a small giggle slipping out here and there.

“Oh, what’s that?”

“Nothing, it huuurts.”

“Is this a ploy to get more tummy kisses?”

“Maybe.”

Taemin chuckles. “Go lay down, I’ll be there in a second.”

* * *

They’re enjoying a night out on their porch, watching the stars. It’s been two years since Ten moved in and they wanted to celebrate somehow. Taemin wasn’t feeling up to going out, exhausted from work, so they’d opted for a few beers and a quiet night.

A shooting star arcs across the sky and they both take an intake of breath. 

“What did you wish for?”

Taemin smiles. “Can’t tell you that, or it won’t come true.”

“Come on, you can guess what I wished for.”

“Hey your wishes are private between you and God.”

“Give me a clue.”

Taemin hums a little before gently leaning in between their chairs. “Can I kiss you?”

Ten looks like a deer in the headlights, before he sits up. Taemin thinks he fucked up but then Ten leans in. “All you had to do was ask, idiot.”

Taemin’s pretty sure he sees another shooting star from the corner of his eye as he closes them, their lips meeting. 

There’s no way he’d ever ask for another first kiss.

* * *

Taemin feels slightly guilty as he watches his boyfriend restrict the size of his meals slightly. He knows it’s not his fault; it’s a big change, Ten’s on edge, but he’s not being dangerous about it. Ten seems to notice Taemin’s mood and starts letting Taemin feed him one or two extra bites.

* * *

When Taemin is woken up by the sound of screaming, he jerks awake. He manages to get out to the hallway but all he can dare is stare at the front door. 

Minho is recoiling from Ten at the doorway, and Ten is stood there like some form of cryptid. “Taemin what the fuck.”

Taemin stumbles over, yawning as he rubs his eyes. “That’s not Taemin, I’m Taemin.”

Minho looks between the two, blinking. “Okay, that’s on me I haven’t slept in like…. Forty hours.”

“You want the couch?” Taemin wraps an arm around a very confused Ten, moving him out the way so Minho can walk in. 

“Yeah, I do, thanks.”

“This is Ten, my boyfriend.”

“The Lee Taemin is finally getting laid to something that isn’t music?”

Ten half shrieks. Taemin kicks the front door shut. “Don’t worry, I’ll smother him in his sleep.”

* * *

Taemin takes his time kissing up Ten’s legs. It’s become an almost nightly ritual. Taemin starts moisturising and Ten whines about getting any time to moisturise at night because Taemin hogs the bathroom. Taemin always ends up rubbing moisturiser into Ten’s legs, making faces and annoying him by dolloping some on his nose before he focuses on kisses around Ten’s more defined legs. 

Something about this time feels different, though, as Taemin gets higher up his thigh. Ten makes no move to stop him and Taemin gently goes higher, leaving more and more time between them. “Can I?”

Ten nods and Taemin shifts. He kisses Ten gently, slowly deepening the kiss. Ten opens his mouth with little encouragement, inviting Taemin into his mouth. They stay that way a while, exploring each other’s mouths before Taemin pulls back, kissing down Ten’s jaw line. He makes his way down to Ten’s neck, gently nipping and sucking at the crook. Ten lets out a soft moan, breathless and almost unhearable. He takes his time, making sure a small bruise will appear before he sits up. He straddles Ten’s hips, gently pulling his shirt up. Taemin makes sure he doesn’t pull it up too far, makes sure Ten is comfortable before he shifts downwards. He kisses across Ten’s stomach, nipping slightly here and there. Ten makes soft noises, his hands fisting in Taemin’s hair as he gets to his boxer waistband.

Ten lifts his hips wordlessly as Taemin hooks his fingers under them, slowly pulling them down. Ten shifts slightly and Taemin waits for him to settle. “You good?”

“So good.”

Taemin gently wraps his hand around Ten’s shaft, jerking slowly. He watches Ten’s face as his eyes scrunch up, mouth falling open slightly. He shuts his mouth, clasping his bottom lip between his teeth. He shivers slightly, but can’t stop his mouth dropping open to groan as Taemin grips slightly harder. He keeps his strokes loose, making sure to not cause any friction with no lubrication. 

Ten comes to life under his hand and something inside Taemin soars at the knowledge; there’s something about this that’s so different. 

When Ten’s fully erect in his hand he stops and shifts. He leans up, pulling Ten’s underwear off completely before he leans down. He takes a moment, watching how Ten quivers in anticipation before he licks from base to tip making sure he gets every inch of the nerve. Ten lets out a shout and Taemin wraps his lips around the tip. He takes it slow, bringing himself down more and more with each suck, bobbing slowly.

The noises that fall from Ten’s lips drive Taemin insane as he hollows his cheeks, tongue twisting around him as much as he can. The next time he brings his head up, he lets his teeth drag, ever so slightly, and his blood turns to fire at the half scream, half moan Ten lets out. Taemin releases his lips ever so slightly, letting a few dribbles of saliva to escape his mouth. He brings his hand up, catching it with his finger as he starts bobbing his head again. He circles Ten’s hole with his finger, feeling how it flutters and Ten tenses with a moan. 

He slips the finger inside, just enough to find his prostate. Ten arches his back, screaming at the stimulation. Taemin massages his prostate, bobbing his head as quickly as he can. He feels the way Ten’s fingers yank on his scalp, how his thighs push against his head and he lifts up. He focuses on Ten’s tip, sucking as hard as he dares before his mouth fills. Ten moans his name, and Taemin sucks, making eye contact as he swallows.

Ten blushes and look away, covering his face. Taemin laughs gently and kisses up his stomach before collapsing next to him. Ten reaches around, cupping Taemin’s erection. Taemin grunts slightly, grinding forward to the warmth surrounding his erection. It doesn’t take him too long when Ten murmurs  _ come for me, baby _ , that he hisses, cumming hard. 

Neither of them bother moving, clinging to each other and panting, instead. Taemin knows he’ll need to get them cleaned up but, right now, he’s content to lay and hold Ten tight, tears pricking in his eyes at the trust Ten has for him.

* * *

It’s after SuperM’s third album, just before Taemin is due to enlistment that Ten speaks. Taemin’s watching the stream out the corner of his eye, more listening than he is watching as he packs his bags for enlistment when he hears  _ I struggle with an eating disorder and have been since before SM Rookies. _

Taemin turns his head, staring at the stream with his mouth half full of food but trying to fully open at the same time. The rest of WayV are staring at Ten in the same way. Even the interviewer looks taken aback. 

“I’m bringing this up because this will be my last comeback with my group for a while, and that’s not a decision I’ve taken lightly. I wanted to talk about this because I felt that it needed to be said and I think that more people  _ need _ to speak out. For so long I was terrified to get any form of help because I was deathly afraid of what would happen to my career and my group if I sought help. It was a paralyzing fear that left me on this constant path of destruction that… That if I’m totally honest, I’m lucky it didn't kill me. And a big part of that is for the stigma that surrounds mental health. There is a lot going on in my life right now that I am just… not in control of in any way and whilst I’d like to take it on the chin and move forward with how everything is, I know that mentally, I am not prepared to take on so many changes at once. I’ll be checking into an in-patient clinic for a few months, but doing that is going to take me out of WayV promotions, especially the repackage that’s next month.

And this is something that’s going to come to a shock for so many people but I think… More idols need to speak about our mental health because this is something that has been hurting all of us. My group has been watching me go through something with absolutely no idea of what has been going on in my head and it’s caused them stress, anxiety, nerves, and so much more. So, I wanted to take this opportunity at the closing of this interview to explain these things and use the voice and platform that I’m so lucky to have to really speak about this in depth… well this wasn’t entire in depth, but to a degree that lets others know that they aren’t alone and that these things are very frequently found in our society and especially in jobs such as being an idol and being an actor and other similar jobs.”

Taemin stares at his laptop screen, in shock as the broadcast is closed by the interview and the live shuts down. He puts his bowl down, reaching for his phone. He’s unsure if he should reach out to Ten or wait for him to come home. He knows right now, WayV is probably flooding him with questions, or, he hopes, support. 

* * *

**Nini:** _ YOU WEREN’T FUCKING TEN HE HAS AN EATING DISORDER? man i'm so sorry god  _

**Parachute Minho** 🪂 **:** _ hey this can’t be easy, let me know if anything i can do _

**Ravibear:** _ hey, sorry i pulled that shit the other year _

**Jinkles:** _ You okay? _

**Baekhyun:** _ were you going to tell me about this as group leader? _

**Lucas:** _ thanks for being there for ten man… jesus thank you _

**Keeb:** _ call me if you need anything _

Taemin rolls his eyes. Baekhyun could have seen that shit if he’d opened his eyes for half a second and he throws his phone aside until a distinct text tone comes through.

**Ten** **💚** :  _ be home in 15 x _

* * *

Taemin holds Ten tight on the couch, refusing to let him go. Ten swats at him, complaining he needs to pee and Taemin bites his inner cheek. He knew that talking was going to be hard when he enlisted but with Ten in an in patient facility, without a phone? He sighs softly and holds Ten so tight to him when he comes back.

* * *

It kills Taemin inside that he enlists first. Ten got the rest of his paperwork through and he’d be going a week after Taemin was gone. It burns inside, makes him want to burn down the health service headquarters of the country. How can they send Ten off after him without Taemin there to promise him that everything’s going to be alright? This is the biggest step in Ten’s recovery and he’s been there for every single fucking baby  _ crawl _ but he can’t be there for the biggest one. He considers on and off skipping out and enlisting a week later but the risk of being arrested and the harm it would cause Ten is too much to dwell on it long.

Kun reassures him; Ten will have the entirety of WayV and NCT there with him and SuperM will be there, and SHINee will be there. Taemin snorts; Kibum would kick Ten’s ass directly through the doors if he tried to back out. 

It eases his nerves, but not his anger. 

He doesn’t let Ten out of his sight. He helps Ten pack his favourite clothes and books, and goes out at six am as soon as the local art store opens. He doesn’t know how many sketchbooks Ten will need so he buys all they have on the shelf and two packs of every pencil set they have. Ten rolls his eyes, playfully, chuckling. He packs them all - Taemin knows he’s not taking them  _ all _ , he knows Ten snuck into his suitcase and stored some in his dresser because they take up half a suitcase in pencils alone, but he appreciates Ten letting him believe he is. 

Two nights before he enlists, he has his hair cut off. He does it at home; Ten does the cutting and shaving, commenting how much hotter Taemin looks without hair. Taemin snorts and retorts that he looks like an egg and Ten kisses the top of his head. “Mm, one of my favourite foods.”

The night before he enlists, he clings Ten so tight, that when they wake up, there’s bruises. Ten doesn’t say a word, not a single complaint, just presses light kisses over Taemin’s cheeks. 

* * *

Taemin stands between his hyungs, grinning at the camera as they ruffle his buzz cut, before they take another picture, peace signs up. They’re laughing and grinning; it’s bitter sweet, but it’s a beautiful send off. He couldn’t be happier with this, if he was honest. He’s being walked over the line that he can’t back out of, yelling food instructions and  _ Ten’s dietary plan is pinned on my fridge! Get a picture of it! _

Kibum yells back that he has nothing to worry about when, actually, the universe proves he does have things to worry about.

He watches as Ten drops, his hyungs immediately jumping to grab him before he hits the ground. 

Taemin curses and turns before pausing. He’s over the line, he’s part of the military now. He can’t go back. All he can do is stare as Minho rips his jacket off to place under Ten’s head before he’s being yelled at. All he can do is stumble backwards, turning and watching over his shoulder.

He’s a fucking idiot; he should have known Ten was restricting what he ate with everything going on. He’s a fucking  _ idiot _ .

Taemin doesn’t know what to do when he’s handed his uniform and instructed to hand over his phone, when there’s no update on Ten. He stares at it, handing it over slowly, begging for something to come through, but then it's out of his hand and being turned off. 

Taemin spends his first night in his bunk staring at the ceiling and trying not to cry.

* * *

When Taemin finally gets his phone on his first day off; by some stroke of luck, the end of that week, he has numerous messages from Ten. 

_ Haha fuck well… i did say i’d pass out if u left me right??? _

_ Hospital says im fine, im just dehydrated _

_ Hospital food sucks wow _

The next is a picture image back at Kibum’s with a plate of food in front of him

_ Kibum is kidnapped me   
*has   
HE LOCKED THE TOILET DOOR LISTEN I KNOW,,, I KNOW I HAVE PROBLEM AREAS BUT,,,, BUT,,,,  _

_ kIBUM WILL NOT LET ME WALK HIS DOGS ????? _

_ Come home, I’m going to kill Kibum _

_ KIBUM’S DOG BIT ME NEVER MIND I DONT WANNA WALK THEM ANYMORE _

_ I dont know which one the brwoon one is but fuck that dog he bit me :( _

_ …. *brown  _

_ Brown dog is pretty and pouts well, never mind he is my best friend, don’t come home, im replacing you with the dogs  _

Taemin can’t help but laugh as he replies to each and every single message, trying not to cry at the pure relief.

* * *

Taemin steps outside the barracks and takes a breath of fresh air. Two years finally over, finally, he can get back to a normal life without the constant berating, fear, panic and anxiety. He finally steps back over the line, feeling two years of stress melt away from his body.

“Hey stranger.”

Taemin turns his head, raising his eyebrow. It takes him a moment to recognise the man talking to him, but the eyes are undeniable. He rushes forward, wrapping his arms around Ten, grinning before making a soft  _ oof _ . “Jesus, what did that facility do to you?”

Ten laughs and wraps his arms around Taemin, burying his face in his neck. “I missed you.”

“I missed you more.” 

Taemin refuses to let go of Ten for maybe too long. When he finally steps back, Ten does a small twirl for him. “I’m not quite there yet, but I am a very healthy 152 pounds and I think Kibum has a feeder kink.”

Taemin laughs, gently grasping Ten’s hand and interlocking their fingers as they head to the car waiting for Taemin. 

Taemin lets him walk ahead to get the door, taking in Ten’s full body. Two years have definitely changed a lot, but this time, seeing his boyfriend looking so healthy and well, has made the two years apart most definitely worth it.

Taemin knows this isn’t a fix; he knows he’s likely going to be privy to many more relapses but this time, looking at Ten’s confident, bright smile, he knows that this, that  _ they _ , their love through thick and thin, is going to be much easier in the future.


End file.
